


When You Love Someone

by bikki



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Introspection, M/M, a good 25 almost-panic attacks, it aint all that bad promised, lots of overthinking and sighing, sehyoon just really misses BK
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:41:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27138143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bikki/pseuds/bikki
Summary: During Chuseok, while some went home to visit their families for the holidays, others stayed behind.They have spent time apart from each other before but it has never felt like this up until now. With Donghun forced to stay in bed thanks to his cold and with the others gone, there was no one around to keep Sehyoon entertained and his mind from wandering off into.. complicated directions.
Relationships: Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	When You Love Someone

**Author's Note:**

> seems like i have a thing for writing stuff for groups i just recently got into and only know super little about - so if any characterization is off, im really sorry but i needed to get this out of my system (꒪⌓꒪)
> 
> also: not sure if this makes any sense at all to anyone else besides me.. i re-wrote this whole thing because it was super messy (just like my dumb brain) but i hope this has an at least halfway-decent flow now!
> 
> anyway, as always: english is not my first language but i tried hard
> 
> //
> 
> btw: title is from a Day6 song

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sehyoon swallowed thickly, then sighed.

He had tried to fall asleep for the last three-or-so hours but his mind didn’t let him. Neither did his heart, which felt ridiculously heavy in his chest; every single beat that hammered against his bones made him feel as if he would sink deeper into the soft mattress below him. He rolled over, sighed again and, despite knowing better, pried open his eyes and grabbed his phone to open the most recent conversation. His heart jumped and that time, it was almost painful.

 **From:** Byeongkwan  
 **Received:** 1:34am  
 _hyung i miss you_

Hours ago, Byeongkwan had sent him this message and it was because of those four short and simple words that sleep hadn’t come to release him from his overworking mind.

_Ridiculous._

Sehyoon knew he was an idiot for overthinking. He knew he was an idiot for letting his mind wander into dangerous territory where the exit was just as difficult to find as the answers he was so desperately searching for. He knew he was an idiot for letting those thoughts grow into something he by then had lost control over.

He loved Byeongkwan. A lot. And he has known that for quite a while even if it has taken them both some time to find to one another. Sehyoon was confident in his feelings for Byeongkwan.

_Then why do I suddenly feel so small and vulnerable thinking of him?_

Sehyoon knew he was the only one to blame for letting his anxiety get the better of him and yet, for a fleeting moment he wished he could make Byeongkwan responsible for the panic that was slowly rising from within him.

 _Oh how freeing would it be to just put all the blame on him_.

But Sehyoon knew it wouldn’t be fair. At all. Even though he couldn't explain why his mind had randomly decided to go into overdrive and perform cartwheels until he was almost having a damn panic attack, he knew for a fact that Byeongkwan did nothing wrong.

_Unless perhaps loving me too much._

Involuntarily, Sehyoon has once more reached the same dead end and was about to lose yet another battle against his own emotions but was pulled away from it when he suddenly heard a loud thud coming from the other side of the closed door. He was about to get up and see if Donghun had finally died from his man flu but he could hear his hyung’s heavy feet shuffle back to their room before letting the door fall close loudly.

Giving Donghun the space he needed to get better and because he didn’t want to catch whatever he had come down with, Sehyoon had retreated out of their shared room and into Byeongkwan’s because he loved to torture himself more than what was necessary. More than he was able to handle.

Their CEO had given all five of them the week of Chuseok off so they could rest and visit family. Jun and Chan both headed home almost the same second they were informed while Sehyoon had decided to stay back at the dorm. Donghun had caught a pretty bad cold and he didn’t want to leave him all by himself. Byeongkwan was clearly torn apart between wanting to stay as well and being pushed by his parents. They wanted to visit some relatives in the country side and had planned to take their son with them.

Sure, Sehyoon would have loved to be able to spend some time with the boy, especially as they rarely ever, if at all really, had the dorm for themselves. But Byeongkwan hasn’t been home in quite a while and the older one wanted him to spend some time with his family, so he had reasoned with and eventually convinced him to drive home over the holidays. Three days ago it had seemed like the most reasonable thing to do and it wasn’t like they haven’t been apart for a few days before. It would be just a week and sooner or later the two of them would make up for it somehow. They had always found a way.

At that very moment though, it all seemed impossible.

_But why?_

Why did the bed sheets feel so freaking cold that night? Why did he feel so painfully lonely all of a sudden? Why did his heart hurt so god-damn much? Why couldn't he stop pitying himself for not having Byeongkwan by his side, curled up against him, snoring lightly while radiating that familiar warmth that would calm him down in an instant?

Sehyoon kicked the blanket off of him, having to sit up in the suddenly way too big and empty bed and scooted all the way to the side, resting his back against the wall behind him. He brought his knees to his chest and slung his arms around them while letting his head carefully lull back. Breathing in and out slowly, he tried his best to ground himself.

His eyes were roaming around aimlessly in the dark room and could feel a lump form in his throat; he tried to swallow it down but it seemed to get bigger and bigger, almost suffocating him. He drew in a deep, shaky breath and pulled his head off of the wall to let it fall on his knees.

_Why am I so upset?_

Sehyoon let out a sharp breath through his nose and almost started to laugh. Did he really think he could outsmart his own brain? Trying to lie to himself was definitely worth a shot, but a futile one; he knew exactly why his heart kept thumping like crazy and why his head kept spinning.

 _Byeongkwan_.

Finally finding the courage to step in front of the train of thoughts that had been speeding through his brain for the last couple of hours, he let his eyes fall close and his mind wander. This time, without pressure, without purpose, without a destination he thought he had to reach.

He remembered that he was immensely thrown off by Byeongkwan’s personality when they had first met; he was loud, full of energy, super touchy and just overall very in your face. Sehyoon had struggled a lot as the younger one was such a contrast to his own rather calm and reserved demeanor. But as difficult as it was to adapt to him, he eventually became greatly thankful for the exact same reasons that he used to struggle so much with.

It was _because_ Byeongkwan was such a little firecracker that Sehyoon was able to get over his own shyness and open up. This kid was an expert at making him feel at ease which was a miracle in and of itself as this was something that didn’t happen easily.

Where others would unknowingly put pressure on him, Byeongkwan would put an arm around him instead, softly pulling him out of his thoughts and back into reality. Where others would unintentionally overrun him, Byeongkwan would gently urge him to speak. Where others would scream, Byeongkwan would listen. When others left, Byeongkwan was right there. As long as he was around, Sehyoon would be fine.

 _How terrifying_.

How terrifying that he became so dependent on another person, both physically but especially mentally. How terrifying that it became harder and harder for Sehyoon to be apart from him. How terrifying that the words I miss you awakened sadness from so deep within him because fuck, he really missed him too, but he hasn’t been like that before. How absolutely terrifying that it felt like he was better at existing only when Byeongkwan was around.

That exact last thought was the one that scared Sehyoon the most, was the one that caused his lungs to shut down and his heart to race: was he even capable of being his own person?

Sighing deeply, Sehyoon opened his eyes again and stared at the barely visible pile of clothes in the corner to anchor himself. As to be expected, his heart had sped up again and his lurking panic attack was now feeding off of it, so he tried his best to calm down by breathing evenly and consciously through his nose.

 _Shit, just when did I become so insecure_?

His mind circled back to an unfinished concern he had earlier: what if Byeongkwan loved him too much?

Trying to wrap his mind around this thought, he figured he first needed to establish what the hell he even meant by that. Did he think he wasn’t worthy of his love or did he feel pressured by it? Was Beyongkwan giving too much, or he not enough in return? Did he really love the younger one? Or just the idea of being loved by someone?

He gave himself quite some time to mull over all those possibilities but eventually came to the conclusion that he was headed in the complete wrong direction, especially with that last one. None of them were the problem. Byeongkwan wasn’t the problem.

_I am._

The second this revelation hit him, everything came crushing down on him at once and he let out another shaky breath.

 _I am the one who got overwhelmed by my own feelings. Who knew I could love this much…_  
 _I am the one who put too much pressure on myself. Maybe I am enough for Byeongkwan…_  
 _I am the one who grew way too dependent on him. We are a part of each other but still ourselves…_  
 _I am the one who is constantly overthinking. So, is it really that bad_?

Loving someone shouldn’t be like this; overpowering and scary. He never wanted it to be like this. So how did Sehyoon end up here, alone in Byeongkwan’s dark room on the verge of hyperventilating?

 _Because I am an idiot_.

His habit of letting his mind wander around freely really did bite him in the butt big time that night. Sehyoon sighed for what felt like the millionth time and closed his eyes once more, hoping it would help him concentrate. On good thoughts this time. Healthy ones.

There is no universal scale on which you can measure ones affection. No love is equal and no one loves equally. If one accepted this, it wasn’t difficult to understand that there is no such thing as loving someone ‘too much’.

Wasn’t it a good thing that even after all those years Sehyoon’s heart still skipped a beat whenever Byeongkwan smiled at him? That his skin still tingled whenever the younger one would grab his hand, interlocking their fingers. That his body and mind would instantly come to a rest whenever he was pulled him into a tight hug.

Byeongkwan didn’t make him a better person. Byeongkwan made him feel home.

Sehyoon let his body fall heavily to the side. The bed was still cold but he could feel a warmth starting to spread through his body.

Depending on one another wasn’t a bad thing; it was each other’s responsibility to grow as persons but that didn’t mean that they couldn't accept a helping hand. What really helped him back on his feet if he had fallen or lost his way was the reassurance that no matter where Sehyoon might find himself, Byeongkwan would be with him.

His heart jumped, but that time there was no pain.

It felt like the whole universe just fell off of his shoulders and he could feel his lungs relax. His body slowly started to soften and his spinning mind finally came to a rest. Blindly reaching for his phone, there were suddenly a million things he wanted to tell Byeongkwan but he managed to settle on a principle he would follow from now on: quality over quantity.

 **From:** You  
 **Sent:** 4:58am  
 _I love you_

Feeling sleep creeping in on him, he finally succumbed to it and was dead out just moments after he had hit send, missing the new incoming message just by a few seconds.

  
  


*******

  
  


Warm.

Sehyoon felt incredibly warm. Not the ‘suddenly way too hot and suffocating’ kind, but in a way that made him feel safe and content. He wasn’t even remotely awake and with the little sleep he must have gotten, opening his eyes was out of the question just yet. Given that Donghun hasn’t woken him up either meant he could get away with a few more hours of blissful unconsciousness. Drawing his feet up to his chest, trying to curl into a ball, his legs hit something soft yet sturdy. Something wonderfully warm.

His brain wasn’t ready yet to be used so he decided to not think too much about it. Probably one of Byeongkwan’s many plushies. Drawing in a deep breath, he randomly felt a distinct sensation run through his body; there was a smell, familiar yet indescribable and very irresistible. He inhaled deeply again as if intoxicated by the powdery but fruity fragrance.

The warmth that had already engulfed his body had now latched onto his face and it felt like as if it had put its hand on his cheek, radiating heat off of it. It was incredibly calming and Sehyoon sighed, lifting his heavy arm to reach for it. When he dropped his hand, he couldn't feel his face underneath his fingertips but something so soft and warm instead, it made him wonder if he really even was awake.

He tried to grab it, his body still weak and his fingers heavy, but he didn’t want to let go of it. Sehyoon stirred a little bit and when there suddenly was some movement next to him, he wasn’t so sure anymore that what he was currently cuddling was an oversized Kirby toy. Scrunching up his nose and eyebrows, he ever so slightly opened his eyes, instantly regretting it. He didn’t know what time it was but it was unnecessarily bright outside and therefore in the room too so he quickly shut his eyes again and swallowed.

The last couple of hours have been dreamless ones and now that he was drifting in and out of sleep, Sehyoon’s head felt heavy and groggy and he therefore wasn’t too sure if he could trust his own senses. Just because that warmth on him felt exactly like Byeongkwan’s body didn’t mean he was there. Just because the familiarity that had hit his nose previously smelled like Byeongkwan’s plum shampoo didn’t mean he was there. Just because he thought he had seen Byeongkwan just now when he had opened his eyes didn’t mean he was really there.

_But what if he was?_

Sehyoon groaned in frustration. Should he open his eyes to check or not? With only two possible outcomes, his chances stood fifty-fifty. He wasn’t sure which one was worse and he did his best to weigh out his options: if he didn’t open his eyes, he wouldn’t know. Duh. But if he did and the boy he had seen just mere seconds ago was just a cruel joke of his sleep deprived mind, would he be able to deal with the disappointment that surely would follow?

 _Time to find out I guess_.

As soon as he had opened his eyes just enough so that they wouldn’t be burned by the deadly daylight, his heart stopped. Then, ever so slightly picked up on speed. He blinked a few times, trying to get his vision to clear up and focus on the most gorgeous light-brown eyes known to mankind. Sehyoon had hoped for it, but never expected it.

“Hi there.” Byeongkwans voice was so gentle.

At this point, Sehyoon started to panic a little because what if this really was just a dream. He had a rough night behind him and he wasn’t ready for emotional distress just yet. He wasn’t ready to let go of what he desired most right at that moment. His eyes were so heavy, he could barely keep them open and they constantly fell in and out of focus. Although he felt like falling back asleep, he willed his whole body to mumble the younger ones’ name.

“Byeongkwannie?”

He got a quiet hum in return and the thumb of the hand on his face started to softly stroke just beneath his eye. The hand then moved to the back of his head, lightly scratching at his neck to then wander down to his back, gently pushing him. Closer into Byeongkwan’s embrace.

Sehyoon didn’t care anymore whether this was real or not, all he cared about was the warm chest he had pressed his face into. The small hand that was tenderly moving up and down his back. The calm hums which vibrated through the body that was cradling him. The deep voice that was talking to him.

“Sorry for coming back so suddenly but I really wanted to see you. I wrote you in the morning but you must have fallen asleep by then.”

Sehyoon could feel Byeongkwan’s arms drawing him even closer. A small kiss was placed on his head and Sehyoon instinctively wrapped his own arm around the younger one’s middle and clawed at the back of his shirt.

“Mmmmmh… missed you….” Talking was still difficult but he hoped his voice would reach its destination.

Byeongkwan’s even breathing and the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath his head was unbelievably calming and Sehyoon was on the verge of sleep once more.

“I missed you too. A lot.”

“nnh…. happy you’re here..”

The hand from his back moved to his head, gently stroking the messy hair. “I’m home.”

 _Yes. My home_.

Pressing himself even further into Byeongkwan, Sehyoon safely drifted off once again.

  
  


* * *

**Author's Note:**

> the idea was actually born when i stayed over at my friends and her cats kept trampling all over me the entire night lol  
> so with the prospect of no sleep for that night i, as a new choice, was keeping myself entertained by looking through pics of them while missing my own bed incredibly LOL and then it came to me.. what about _them_ missing eachother? that could be cute! 
> 
> and then i went and made it mainly angsty °_°


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